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Dad Jokes

!dadjokes@lemmy.world

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Please see the updated sidebar. Do not post external links to websites such as Facebook and Instagram.

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Please post jokes about adult topics to the new Uncle Jokes community

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Update 2025-9-11: If you cannot tell this joke to a 5-year-old and they would understand, you should probably post it to the this community: !unclejokes@lemmy.world. Please message me if you think it could be different.

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Please Like and Share This Post

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What do horses do when it time to go to bed?

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They hit the hay!

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Me and my friends have a running joke

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But we are always exhausted by the time we finish it.

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A wizard asked me to proofread one of his scrolls last week. Actually....

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It was more of a spell check…

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How do you know you're having dinner with a termite?

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They order the house salad!

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Dictionary

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Did you hear about the cowboy who adopted a dachshund?

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He wanted to get a long little doggie!

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What do you get when you cross a battleship with a dryer?

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Naval lint.

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Africa

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edit: better version of meme, credit to cannedtuna

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I use to think humans / bee relationships were a myth.

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But after breaking up with one I am now a bee leaver ..

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I accidentally deleted the audio book my wife and I were listening to. She's really annoyed.....

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I’ll never hear the end of it….

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The price of a chimney

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I don't know why I was really surprised when my deaf girlfriend broke up with me....

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There were plenty of signs

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I've recently developed a fear of escalators

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I’ve been taking steps to avoid them

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Did you know that Mick Jagger tried to be a math teacher? It didn't last very long....

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He couldn’t get no stats or fractions

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That's how they get ya

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I work up to a bunch of stir fried vegetables in my bed this morning......

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I think I was sleep woking

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The company that produces yardsticks won't be making them any longer.

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Big Ben

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People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones...

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But people in Abu Dhabi do.

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Wheely Tired

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cross-posted from: https://reddthat.com/post/70926950

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What are fast growing chili peppers called in the Arab speaking parts of the world?

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Yallapeños

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Did you know I come from a long line of failed magicians?

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I have 2 half sisters…..

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Post your unfunny dad funnies

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Hey dads!

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Why does Peter Pan ways fly around?

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Because he Neverlands!

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I had a great childhood, in 1978 Dad used to roll us downhill in a large tire

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It was a Goodyear.

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Why don't oranges ever need glasses?

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Because they have lots of vitamin see!

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It was a soft drink!

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/50347624

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Shoplifters Beware!

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Cross posted from https://lemmy.world/post/50339054

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When I first started dating my wife, I asked her what her hobbies were. She said she liked drilling large holes in the earth. I said....

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That’s boring…..

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why do the military troops belong to the library?

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because they are information

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What a deal!

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Adopt don’t shop

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The dark ages

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Why is it tough for women postal workers?

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Because it’s a mail dominated career!

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Sheryl Crow and Russel Crowe walk into a bar

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Many French gardeners fill their plot with decorative cabbages instead of edible vegetables.

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The whole thing is just for chou.

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Bandwidth

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cross-posted from: https://reddthat.com/post/70602385

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Did you hear about the guy who thought he was a fish? After examination, doctors determined....

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He was mentally eel!

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Missing the simpler times

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What do you call a line of men waiting to get their hair cut?

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A barberqueue!

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The Spanish magician called to the crowd "Uno! Dos!"

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Then he snapped his fingers and vanished without a tres.

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Did you know I went to school to be a magician but failed out?

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There were too many trick questions!

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Truth

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cross-posted from: https://lemmy.world/post/50073272

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They finally got sean to the tribunal.

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He was found innocent. I guess his good side shone through.

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I'm suspecting my French neighbor is communist...

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I recently got a new pet and I wanted to show him.

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Old McDonald had a server farm

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AI AI …. Oh :(

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Bacon and eggs walk into a restaurant, the hostess says...

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“We don’t serve breakfast here”…..

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Did you know NASA sent a rocket into space to say sorry to the aliens...

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They called it Apollo G!

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Why do kangaroos make good William Shatner impersonators?

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Because of the long paws

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My first job as a detective was figuring out the best container for all my documents

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It was a brief case.

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What do you call fake spaghetti?

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An im-pasta

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Just don't give it to Mariah Carey for christmas

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what does a fish tell you after you eat it?

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don’t worry, it’s all hunkey-nori

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I heard the police had trouble finding sean

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He vanished never to be seen again…

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My wife fell off a horse the other day....

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She’s in “stable” condition

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Never knew my...

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This is wrong on so many levels.

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Who led the Jewish people across a semi-permeable membrane?

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Os-Moses!

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My dad would have bought this.

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Some like dairy milk

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I drink oatmilk weekry.

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Who am I, Bucky Barnes after falling off a train in the mountains?

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Cause, woah, suddenly I’m rushin.

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I met a drag queen from Manchester

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They had a Wigan address

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My wife thinks I'm the cheapest man in the world...

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I’m not buying it

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What do you call a dinosaur that's read Wuthering Heights?

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A Bronté-saurus!

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He will try his best …

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Plagiarism

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How do you tie your shoes in outer space?

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With astro-knots!

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Every time I go to the liquor store,a man appears and gives me advice on what to buy.....

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I think he’s my spirit guide.

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Why does Gannon refuse to go on the internet ?

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Because it’s full of links !

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Some people drink a martini...

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They’ll end up hammeredini.

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Did you know that nature is so resourceful....

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That it can make dew with just water 💧

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Battery

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I started working out by lifting dictionaries...

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It’s the best way to get definition…

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Just parking...

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A dad parking his car horribly…..some onlookers notice his kids in the back. They shout “what are you doing! Don’t you realize who you’ve got back there?”

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