The Onion

(Washington DC) As local and state leaders prepare for a massive ice storm headed to the US South, they are dismayed that FEMA, the Federal disaster response agency responsible for the federal response to the storm, has posted a “Go Fund Me” page to seek funding for the disaster response.

(Washington DC) Citing safety concerns for the building, the White House Press Office has requested Americans stop messaging the president about special powers they believe a Nobel Prize may have, including the power to magically deflect bullets.

(Copenhagen) As the US searches for the next distraction from the Epstein Files release, Denmark has taken a new approach to keep their protectorate of Greenland safe. Yesterday, the Danish government announced Greenland could be purchased by the US if the US president did twenty consecutive pushups.

(Zürich, Switzerland) As tensions mount between the US and Iran, FIFA, the world governing body for football, released a press statement reiterating that their Peace Prize only involved match play as regulated by the sports authority. “This prize is only related to events occurring during football match play, on the pitch, during the time of regulation play.”

(Minneapolis, MN) As Minnesotans remain pissed, ICE officers now can’t - or they have to drive back to the station to do so. Local businesses have begun placing signs denying entry to ICE officers for any purpose not serving a warrant, hampering their efforts and drawing loud anger from the White House. At a 7-11 in downtown Minneapolis, local police have been called repeatedly to remove ICE officers trespassing on private property, as this new form of protest takes hold.

(Copenhagen) A war of words is brewing online, between the US president and Bjork - the famed Icelandic musician and activist. Between golf games Saturday, donald trump announced that US maps would now show the country of Greenland as “Goldland,” given the immense value of the mostly unpopulated country. “We are moving in and it’s all gold… gold on the ground, gold in the sky… it’s beautiful how golden it is.” The US has gained attention for trying to rename The Gulf of Mexico last year.

(Washington DC) As anger stretches across parts of the US from the murder of Renee Good by ICE agent Jonathan Ross, comparisons to the failed rule of Benito Mussolini, the fascist dictator of Italy in World War 2, are beginning to surface around the internet. This is drawing anger from the White House, which insists Hitler is a much better comparison.

(Caracas) As the aftermath of Saturday’s US attack on Venezuela is being assessed, alarming reports from the city show 3 hospitals, including a children’s hospital, were targeted and hit repeatedly during the fighting. The Air Force is blaming a new joint US-Israeli targeting system, Shepherd’s Arrow, for the damage.

(Washington DC) The White House is acknowledging “a mix up,” as Venezuelan President Nicolás Maduro, kidnapped by US military forces in an overnight attack on Venezuela, has been kidnapped again - this time on US soil - and flown immediately back home.

(Austin, Texas) Citing the rapid destruction of the country, Republican voters are announcing they will shorten their twenty-year commitment to voting against the interests of the country, and will now accept the heartfelt apology of Americans for the election of Barack Obama. “We know you feel sorry for what you done,” said a statement released on Facebook, a media platform used by Republicans. “Give us your apology now, and we will stop destroying America to hurt you back. Do it now, before everything gets broken in the midterms.”

(Washington DC) Citing construction delays and difficulty arriving at a final design, the White House has announced the planned East Wing ballroom will be scrapped, and the space used for a trump family burial space, underneath a four-story corporate office for the president’s real estate business. Trump discussed the changes during comments regarding his stalled peace talks between Ukraine and Russia. “It’s horrible,” he said in remarks, “ they have no design, nothing, I have curtain swatches everywhere. This will be much cleaner and much more useful.”

(Washington DC) As the Powerball jackpot in Arkansas of $1.7 billion is still in the news, a new lottery from the trump administration is drawing alarming interest from business leaders. The White House is offering $25 million tickets for entry in a “Presidential Pardon Lottery,” with the winner being given absolute federal immunity for past crimes. The president says he got the idea from the Powerball jackpot. “People were saying 1.7 billion, 1.7 billion… I can make 1.7 billion easy, just watch. Just watch.”

Police are investigating after a man died and two children were injured during an officer-involved shooting on Main Street on Tuesday afternoon in Forest Hills.

(Washington DC) As ICE raids around the country terrorize citizens and non-citizens alike, House republicans have made a proposal for legislation which would make citizenship in the US a yearly subscription fee. President trump says he will sign the measure once passed.

(Washington DC) In a move that would have caused outrage only a year ago, donald trump’s recently merged social media platform Truth Social, and combine nuclear fusion company TAE Technologies, has been awarded a contract to develop “clean social energy” for the United States. The award was granted hours after the merger was announced.

(Washington DC) As the media speculates about tonight’s presidential address, the White House press office flatly denied rumors the announcement will be a sales pitch for Saudi Arabia’s massive housing project in the desert, known as “The Line.” The project, which some call “a folly of man’s hubris,” is a 170 km long city being built in the Saudi desert.

(Quantico, VA) As the FBI promises every man is on the case and an up to $50,000 reward is offered for the Brown University shooter, Agents are confessing they’re not sure which shooter case is theirs at this point.

(Sussex) on Monday, Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor, former Prince and Duke of York, caused mild outcry in a speech to private individuals during a speaking tour. “I’m reminded of a certain poem,” he began his closing remarks, “and I’m paraphrasing of course - but first they came for the pedophiles, and I’m sure we know how that turned out.” A storm of social media followed, and despite claims the statement is being taken out of context, an apology was made, and the tour has been suspended.

(Washington DC) Friday the trump administration announced that vacancies created Wednesday on the White House Ethics Board would be filled by donors who support the effort to build new East Wing Ballroom. The first 3 people to pledge ten million dollars each will receive the positions. Gift donations are allowed.

(St. Kits, Virgin Islands) As questions about war crimes circle Washington, Vice President JD Vance gave follow up remarks regarding his involvement in a September 2 extrajudicial air strike on a suspected drug boat. The Vice President had remarked a top Admiral ordered the strike, and he was not involved.

(Lynchburg, TN) As sales slump in Canada and abroad following reciprocal tariffs, US alcohol manufacturers have turned to their home market, in a move some say is offensive and out-of-line. Billboards are going up around the country showing an outline of the president’s profile, and the words “He Has Three More Years” prominently displayed in large letters.

(Washington DC) Citing presidential privilege, the White House issued a retraction to the pardon of Hunter Biden on Thursday. “We were supposed to pardon a turkey, can you believe that,” said trump in remarks at dinner. “I said I don’t pardon that turkey, we eat it. I rescind the pardon. And I thought, that’s a great idea, so I started rescinding other pardons, too.”

(Camp Pendleton, CA) As war tensions mount, disturbing pictures have been released of US Marines, sitting around tables and coloring in a map of South America. Pencils on the desks suggest the soldiers may be writing in the names of the countries, as well.

(New York) As American warships gather and strong rhetoric flows from the White House, Americans are growing increasingly concerned they may have to find Venezuela on a map. “They do those bits on late night tv,” said Maryland Bantra of New York. “I don’t want to be the dumb ones. I’m not sure if I can find that country… and screw it if they have a globe.”